Sunday, January 3, 2010

Not Myself

I haven't been myself lately. I'm not really sure who I've been, but I'm definitely not feeling myself. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because we spent a whole month gearing up for Christmas, and now it's over, and I'm trying to find normal again. Maybe it's because I'm trying to make sense of things that aren't making sense to me.

Today I'm going to a service. A celebration of life. I don't want to go, but I do. Do you know what I mean? I want to celebrate this life, but I'm afraid I'm going to break down. No, I know I will break down. Stephanie was a friend from high school. Sadly, we lost touch shortly after. But I remember so vividly how much fun we'd all have together. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few short months ago. Truly, three months ago she was going through life without a care, and last Sunday she lost her battle and left this world. She was twenty-nine years old. I'm trying to make sense of it, and I cannot. She left her son behind. Not much older than my Sierra. She left family and friends who loved her. My heart aches for them. And I'm trying to make sense of something that just doesn't make sense. And I'm not myself.

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20 comments :

Connie Weiss said...

Oh no....I remember you talking about her.

So sad. Go. Celebrate her life on earth and think of her in heaven...pain and cancer free.

And then enjoy YOUR life!

HUGS!

Nicolasa said...

It's ok to not feel yourself for a little while while you figure things out and try to make sense of things in your mind.

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

Angela said...

I love you Liz! I will be sitting there right next to you :)

Foursons said...

You may not feel like yourself, but everything you are feeling makes perfect sense. It is very difficult to face death in the face as we watch friends and loved ones pass away. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I am sorry that your memories of her are now filled with sadness and grief instead of smiles and joy. I pray that the funeral will bring you some comfort, but just know that if you don't feel like yourself for a while that it is OK. In your time and in your way you will come to terms with this loss. One day you will smile when thinking of her. It may be 6 months or it may be 6 years. But time will allow you to feel like yourself again. It will be a different self, you will never again be the same person but your new normal will become more comfortable.

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Liz,

I am so sorry. I have felt the same way many of times. I have not felt like me...I would go through my day because I had too. I never really knew why I didn't feel like me..so I know part of what you are feeling.
WE will not understand why people so young die, but we do know that the scripture tells us that it is appointed once for man to die (death is no respecter of person, nor is cancer). It is part of life, but it is one we will never understand or get the answers too until we get to Heaven. I pray that many are touched by your friends life and that many will come to Christ through her life & death.
Your post made me cry.
((hugs))
Mimi

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I hope you start feeling more like yourself again soon! I completely understand...I go through phases like that too! I hope the celebration of life goes okay! I know whenever I hear that an old friend has passed away it is always hard!

Nocona said...

Sorry to hear that. I am glad you have your faith. It is something to hold onto in times like these.

Becca said...

Oh Sweet Friend,

My heart is reaching out to you!! I know it is hard to make sense of this, especially when all you can do is look at your family and feel so lucky!! DO just that- hug them & love on them and thank God he has given them to you!!

~Becca

Kasey Hunt said...

Hang in there. Maybe it's the winter funk. Sorry to hear about your friend losing her battle to cancer.

Colleen said...

Cancer sucks!! I am so sorry to hear about your friend. She was so young, and had such a young son :( Praying for her family and friends as I know she is finally pain free.

Kristen said...

So sorry for your loss. I pray peace and comfort in this time.

onegirliegirl said...

Oh Liz, I was just gonna ask you how Stephanie was doing...I'm so sorry to hear about her losing the battle! I completely understand how you aren't feeling like yourself!

What a difficult time for you. I'll continue to pray for her family and will add you in there to find some sense where there isn't any :)

Huge Hugs to you!!
xoxo ~Lisa

J.J. said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand that feeling all too well from losing my friend in December just 2 months after her diagnosis. I am here for you. Many hugs. Many prayers...especially for her family.

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry that your friend passed away. I remember you posting about her battle with cancer.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Abra said...

That is so tough when you experience something so hard that you know you could be in the same situation. I'm so sorry about your loss. Nothing makes it easier to go through. But boy, it sure does make US think about how blessed we are. Thanks for the reminder.

Hang in there.

♥Amber Filkins♥ said...

Oh, so sorry. I also remember you talking about her, and debating about going to the hospital and stuff. I'll be praying for her family, and praying for you as this affects you. Praying that you find your normal again.

Love you girl!

Rachel Sue said...

These stories are the worst to hear. It's so hard to know why things don't always go the way we think they should. I wish they did.

I'll keep you and her family in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I hope having me there with you made a difference. Life is so confusing especially during times like these. I love you and want you to know that I will listen if you need me.

Together We Save said...

SO sorry for your loss. Paying for your family and hers.

jennykate77 said...

It is so sad to see someone that you know and love be taken too soon. Cancer really does suck and it takes people from this earth far before their time. It's totally normal to not feel like yourself. You should definitely celebrate the life of your friend and remember the good memories that you hold in your heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you♥

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